Stupidest ‘Star Wars’ Rumor of the Day

lukehandConsidering the heavy blanket of secrecy thrown over the production of Star Wars: Episode VII, it’s easy to understand people grasping at the most flimsy of straws when it comes to rumors about what director J.J. Abrams is up to – but today’s alleged plot leak is so extremely ridiculous that I’m not even labeling it a spoiler. It’s just too dumb to consider.

According to Badass Digest:

Imagine the standard Star Wars crawl, and when it ends the camera pans up to the stars. But instead of a spaceship zooming into frame we see… a hand! A severed hand, tumbling through space. A severed hand gripping a light saber.

That hand falls onto a desert planet, where it is discovered by characters who will be our heroes. One is Daisy Ridley. The other is John Boyega, who is playing someone trying to change his path in life (I’m keeping it vague here). They recognize the light saber as a Jedi relic and decide to return it to the proper people.

Their quest takes them off world, and they meet up with Han Solo and Chewbacca, who aren’t flying around in the Millennium Falcon anymore but are piloting… well, that could be a spoiler. I’ll leave it. Anyway, Han and Chewie recognize the light saber as Luke’s, and they say they haven’t seen their friend in thirty years, since the events of Return of the Jedi.

So begins a quest to find the missing Jedi Master. Meanwhile, on an ice planet, nefarious forces are building a super weapon, one capable of destroying not planets but entire solar systems…

According to Empire, Boyega’s character is a stormtrooper who deserted his unit, and the desert planet is not Tattoine.


saberfightThis entire… “report” throws up so many red flags and rings so hollow, I don’t know where to begin.

There are still Imperial stormtroopers 30 years after the events of Return of the Jedi? Given Boyega’s age, his character would have to have been born after the Battle of Endor, so he joined the empire after it was overthrown?

The writer of the Badass Digest piece swears up and down that this load of patently unbelievable shite has been confirmed and reconfirmed to him by multiple sources, but I remain completely skeptical. (And if this crap ever turns out to be true, I will be proud that I disbelieved it!)

Luke’s severed hand with lightsaber falling to a desert planet? Are you f*cking kidding me? How stupid are people to even consider this idea possible? Well, okay, it does sound dumb enough to be something that George Lucas would think up during his prequel days – but Episode VII isn’t supposed to be based on any Lucas ideas. And with Disney owning the property now, one would expect some adult supervision in the story department, and that said adult would shoot down this idea as ludicrous.)

Just stop and think for a moment: When Darth Vader severed Luke’s hand in The Empire Strikes Back, they were in Cloud City, floating in the (breathable) atmosphere of the gas planet Bespin. How could Luke’s weapon-clutching hand get into space and then travel to a desert world to make planetfall? That’s so dumb it beggars the imagination!

Seriously, let’s try to figure it out. Maybe the Midi-chlorians in Luke’s blood were smart enough to “pilot” the hand and somehow attain Bespin escape velocity while maintaining a death grip on his father’s old lightsaber. And, if that’s possible, what’s impossible about interplanetary travel for the Jedi hand? The Force is strong in this appendage! And we might as well assume that Luke’s hand survives the heat of reentry so that Daisy and John find hand and lightsaber intact.

No, no… even George Lucas isn’t this silly.

And then there’s a weapon that destroys entire solar systems? Who needs such a thing when planet-killing Death Star technology exists? This is clearly just a fevered fanboy bid to “up the ante” of the big threat, and it doesn’t make a lick of sense. “Hey, imagine if you could blow up, like, a whole solar system – COOL !” Not.

No, this entire discussion has got to be just a massive troll; likely some fans whipped it up in a bid to see how far it would get and who would believe it. I hope no one does.

From this point on, I think Star Wars fans has to be a little more selective — not matter how desperate they are for information.

Oh, yeah? Sez you!

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