ROYAL PAINS 2.12: Open Up Your Yenta Mouth and Say Ah

For my money, the summer finale of ROYAL PAINS came at just the right time, interrupting a series that has been suffering a bit of sophomore slump.

It feels to me like this show needed a break. It has been meandering along, good-naturedly enough, but also kind of aimlessly. The recurring presence of Henry Winkler as Hank (Mark Feuerstein) and Evan’s (Paulo Costanzo) shady daddy, Eddie R., lent the illusion that there was an ongoing umbrella story for the season, but it’s been more like an on-again, off-again distraction. Initially, Eddie was just a pure tease; it’s only recently that much of his story was larded on. I have to admit that I did not foresee Eddie turning out to be a government informer targeting Boris (Campbell Scott). Top marks for that little inversion of audience expectations.

ROYAL PAINS 2.9: Frenemies

If one is supposed to keep one’s friends close, and one’s enemies closer, then where does one keep one’s frenemies? The boys of HankMed got to ponder that question on this week’s ROYAL PAINS.

It definitely seemed like no news would be good news for Hank (Mark Feuerstein), who would have been better off not seeing the local paper – especially since it contained a full-page ad for Dr. Peck (Anastasia Griffith) and a story that quoted Dr. Elizabeth Blair (Marcia Gay Harden) bashing Jill’s (Jill Flint) free clinic. Of course Blair claimed she was misquoted, and what she was really trying to get across was that waiting a few years to open a bigger clinic would help more people. Whatever, Doc.

ROYAL PAINS 2.8: The Hankover

The most interesting aspect of this lark of a ROYAL PAINS episode was that the subject matter – the aftermath of a drunken night of wild partying – was also the plotline of this week’s episode of RESCUE ME. But while the firefighter drama examined the life-and-death consequences of such a bender, RP took a much lighter approach; one a bit more reminiscent of last year’s hit movie, The Hangover.

Not that this episode was a standalone throwaway; we learned some interesting stuff This story opened the morning after Raj’s (Rupak Ginn) bachelor party, with Hank (Mark Feuerstein) sleeping in a hammock entwined with Dr. Emily Peck (Anastasia Griffith), who praised his skill in the hammock the night before! Divya (Reshma Shetty) and Jill (Jill Flint) awoke in a cab at the beach, with driver Aristotle (Bill Bellamy) passed out behind the wheel. Divya had a flower tattoo on her hip, while Jill had a much larger one on her shoulder. Evan woke up in Boris’ courtyard and was stunned to see Raj lying in the driveway below a balcony, presumably dead. Did Evan kill him in a jealous rage over Divya? The story rewound 24 hours to explain the (relatively benign) means by which everyone ended up in the seemingly serious situations.

ROYAL PAINS 2.5 and 2.4: No Doc is an Island

Hank became something of a “Hero of the People in Cuba” when he fought to save an “Enemy of the Cuba” with a heart problem in this week’s installment of ROYAL PAINS. Oh, and he also fulfilled his commitment as “house doctor” when he saved Boris’ life in the concluding chapter of a two-part sojourn to the communist island.

Well, Imagine my disappointment when Evan’s kidnapping in last week’s cliff-hanger turned out to be just what I feared/expected: the ol’ “We kidnapped us a doctor” plot, in which a medico is needed to treat someone who must stay hidden, but the doctor’s relative/friend/lover is nabbed by mistake. Happens all the time, right? At least the-powers-that-be changed it up slightly by making patient a dissident writer who was hiding from the government. He was presumed dead, so visiting a hospital would have exposed him and his family. So, of course the requisite complication required him to get an echocardiogram heart scan. Gee, if only Hank knew of a fully-stocked, private medical facility where he could perform the test in secret…

ROYAL PAINS 2.3: The (really) Big Show

Sure, ROYAL PAINS featured its biggest guest star ever this week – the 7-foot, 485-pound Paul Wight, a.k.a. Big Show of the WWE – but I was more distracted by who wasn’t on the screen very much: Where did Divya go?

This second season of ROYAL PAINS is focusing a lot on adding big names: Henry “the Fonz” Winkler is recurring as Hank and Evan’s shady father, Eddie R., and Oscar winner Marcia Gay Harden will be seen periodically as prickly Dr. Elizabeth Blair. And Christine Ebersole’s Mrs. Newberg is also on the scene a lot more lately. Last week, 24’s erstwhile Chloe, Mary Lynn Rajskub, portrayed Mrs. Newberg’s flighty daughter, Blake. Also, AS THE WORLD TURNS’ Marnie Schulenburg (Alison) appeared as Sherrie Tanner, a leather craftswoman (“I’m the only designer on the East Coast specializing in armadillo; it’s my schtick!”) who contracted Hansen’s disease – otherwise known as leprosy – from her own creations. (Get the joke? “Tanner” works with leather?) The soap trend continued this week with Florencia Lozano (ONE LIFE TO LIVE’s Tea) playing Faith, the high-strung sister/business manager of the action-movie star known as the Garbage Man (Big Show).

ROYAL PAINS 2.1: Rx for summer fun

The problem with the inaugural season of ROYAL PAINS is that while the show is breezy and entertaining, the scripting has always been just a bit too on-the-nose. There was very little about the show that was subtle, the second-season premiere indicates that trend is continuing.

When last we saw the employers of HankMed, the concierge doctor service sweeping the Hamptons playground of the rich, Hank (Mark Feuerstein) and Evan (Paul Costanzo) had just seen their bank accounts drained by their unseen ne’er-do-well father, Eddie, and physician’s assistant Divya (Reshma Shetty) had reluctantly become engaged to Roger, the London businessman her parents arranged for her when she was a child.

Soap Opera Weekly: Read at Joe’s 8/28/09

The first-season finale of ROYAL PAINS was a microcosm of the series as a whole — and a lot like HankMed itself: appealing, but not nearly as clever as it thinks it is.

Case in point: The installment began with Hank and Evan behaving so completely out of character that it was as if their minds had swapped bodies. Hank was obsessed with the business of HankMed, while Evan was only interested in taking Sunday off. Since when? Evan was not even worried that a check sent to a medical supply house bounced. The week’s medical case involved Alexandra Holden (ex-Suzy, FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS) playing Zoe, a young woman who was experiencing hallucinations that her sister attributed to supernatural causes. Hank examined and treated her (in her backyard). She turned out to be suffering from Alice in Wonderland Syndrome brought on by an adverse reaction to cough syrup. Meanwhile, the time had finally come for Divya to put her finger where her mouth is, and get engaged.

On the good side, we got to see a lot of personal stuff. However, nothing was very original. Hank had to raise his little brother after mom died and dad walked out. The way Hank went out of his way to deliver the exposition left me expecting that their deadbeat dad would turn out to be behind the loss of the HankMed nest egg. But what was Hank talking about when he told Evan, “I’m surprised it took this long for you to let me down.” He hinted at a long history of secrets and lies that could prove to be very intriguing.

Divya’s desire to marry for love, not to fulfill her parents’ wishes, was also a far too-familiar tune. That dream sequence of her standing up for herself? Lame. I’m not sure I bought the idea of Divya knuckling under and letting Raj put a ring on her finger, but at least it ensures she will have a story next season. (Next season being summer 2010.) Another classic soap groaner came when Jill rolled up on Hank at just the right time to interpret something the wrong way. And then Hank got it wrong when he fell for the ol’ “aggressive ex-hubby pretending he’s still in his wife’s life” routine. Gee, will those two crazy kids ever get together?

At least the show dialed back the gore this week, which was a relief after last week’s grotesque chest injury. (In case you missed it, a man’s rib cage became detached inside his chest, and a crude device involving fish hooks was improvised to fix it. At least, I think that’s what happened; it was hard to see the TV after that scene caused me to vault off the couch and cling to the ceiling!) And I thought that compound-fracture of a leg a few weeks ago was bad!

Anyway, the stage was set for next season with Jill left alone after kicking Charlie out, and Hank left alone after Evan set off to confront their father, “Eddie R.” Not exactly nail-biting scenarios, and I doubt I will remember the situations next summer. But I will remember ROYAL PAINS as a pleasant warm-weather diversion.

Originally published on SoapOperaWeekly.com

Soap Opera Weekly: Read at Joe’s 8/7/09

Michael Westen really got himself worked into a soapy lather in the “summer finale” of BURN NOTICE. Just when things seemed to be coming together for him, it all fell apart. Fiona walked out on him just when Michael was finally getting some traction with her. She fretted that he couldn’t let go of his past because he was obsessed with getting his old job back by working with sleazeball Strickland. It seemed to be working: Strickland got his case reopened at the highest levels. Michael saw getting back in from the cold as making things safer for everyone, bit Fiona saw him as dwelling in the past. Speaking of dwelling in the past, Madeleine revealed she was selling Michael’s childhood home. That made him all nostalgic, and he actually mooned over old photos of Fi and a box of old toys! But Fiona had her own problems with the past. Paul Blackthorne (ex-Steven, 24) played O’Neill, a thug who wanted to drag Fiona back to Ireland to face her old enemies. Of course Michael rescued her — but was it for old time’s sake, or a new beginning? Michael was forced to kill Strickland, but that only brought a new threat to town — a new hitter intent on killing Michael. In this case, he was probably better off with the devil he knew. (New episodes resume this winter.)

ROYAL PAINS also got more than a little personal, as Hank and Jill dealt with the awkwardness of having sex after “breaking up.” Meanwhile, Divya had to fool her visiting parents into thinking she attends Wharton business school (with Evan). That plot thread hinged on viewers buying the idea that the ‘rents would be angry/disappointed to learn she went to medical school even though they wanted her to have a career in real estate. But after she saved Dad’s life with an emergency tracheotomy, they forgave her for fibbing. We also learned that Hank and Evan have Daddy issues: Their father walked out on them as kids when their mother got sick. Oh, and Jill’s ex-husband, Charlie, returned. How’s that for a series of blasts from the past?

Originally published on SoapOperaWeekly.com

Soap Opera Weekly: Read at Joe’s 7/24/09

“If something seems too good to be true, it’s best to shoot it, just to be sure.” — Fiona, BURN NOTICE

No one who saw this week’s episode of ROYAL PAINS will ever look at breast implants the same way again. Roselyn Sanchez (ex-Pilar, AS THE WORLD TURNS; ex-Elena, WITHOUT A TRACE) played Sofia, whose insanely jealous husband had a GPS tracker implanted inside her body when she underwent breast-augmentation. When she underwent an MRI, the powerful magnet (50,000 times stronger than the Earth’s magnetic field, FYI) nearly ripped the metal device out of her chest! A huge, deformed lump appear in Sofia’s cleavage; it looked so painful! Hank swooped into action and removed the device, but it ruptured, giving Sofia radiation poisoning. The twisted kicker to it all? Sofia interpreted the implant in her implants as a sign of how devoted hubby Javier was to her.

Sofia wasn’t the only person afflicted with an unconventional malady. The enigmatic Boris (played by Campbell Scott) appears to have a secret disease he won’t talk about. Based on his interest in Katie’s research with sharks, I’m going to guess some type of cancer. Oh, the fact that Boris keeps a shark in his basement inspired one of the best lines of the night (from Hank): “I feel like I’m living on a Bond villain’s property.” We also got to see a few more of Divya’s secrets. Hank’s super-hot physician’s assistant met Raj, the fiancé her mother lined up for an arranged…I mean, “strategic” marriage. Sadly, there appeared to be no chemistry between them. Which must have been the case with Jill and Charlie, her ex. Did we already know Jill used to be married? Considering how mercenary Evan is, it’s no wonder he name-checked Grey Goose, Facebook and even HE-MAN AND THE MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE! (Only the vodka brand bought an actual commercial, though.)

BURN NOTICE has been conspicuously stingy with the “How to Spy” tips lately, which makes me wonder if some watchdog group has been complaining. If anyone is concerned about terrorist groups learning any new tricks of the trade, I’ll remind you that the show always leaves out a key ingredient or step, so that unsupervised children cannot replicate the feats of Michael Westen and co. That being said, the Spy Tricks returned this week, and the tutorial on how to take out street lights with a cell phone was pretty cool. But that bit about making blood squibs with C4 and bottle caps sounded a bit too dangerous to even dare trying at home. (Yeah, like you have access to C4, anyway…) I was disappointed to see Nicholas Lea, who was so wonderfully evil as Krychek, the “rat boy” traitor of THE X-FILES, wasted in an essentially generic part. Lea should be reserved for a Big Bad role.

Originally published on SoapOperaWeekly.com

Soap Opera Weekly: Read at Joe’s 7/10/09

I know what you’re asking: “Joe, is there an unscripted show you hate even more than AMERICAN IDOL?” The answer is, “Why, yes, of course — lots of them!” Most alleged “reality shows,” like JON & KATE PLUS 8, are beneath contempt and I refuse to sully my TV screen with them. However, of the shows I can force myself to watch, BIG BROTHER is certainly at the bottom of the barrel. Perhaps it’s the premise: 12 strangers living in a house together. On most other unscripted series, the contestants live together and it’s just another minor component of the series, not the entire point of the show. Or, perhaps it’s the host: Charisma-free Julie Chen imbues even the most mundane statements — from tossing to commercial to announcing a contest — with the same sense of grave portent as reciting the Ten Commandments. And her halting delivery makes William Shatner‘s stuttering cadence sound normal. No, I know what it is: BIG BROTHER’s sense of entitlement gets me. It’s not just Chen — the entire show is full of itself. The phoniness started with the opening sequences, in which the contestants supposedly were presented with their keys to the house. They all acted surprised — in front of the cameras. Why did they think they were being filmed? Once they got to the house, everyone lost their mind over the “super-delicious” house. Is indoor plumbing still that rare in 2009? Later, right after saying, “Expect the unexpected,” Julie told the houseguests that, as usual, there is a “twist.” How is that “unexpected”? It’s just the same ol’ garbage. And I’m not looking forward to watching it fester on my screen.

On a vastly more interesting and considerably more fun note, BURN NOTICE gave us a rollicking little tale of industrial espionage and spy-hunting spiced up by Michael and Fiona doing a sort of mating dance. She wanted him to commit to her (by taking her to dinner), while he preferred to concentrate on getting his job back. What I like about their complicated relationship is that they openly acknowledge that they care for each other, it’s just tough to make a relationship work while dodging bullets and bombs. He doesn’t dally with a new girl every week, and Fi gave up trying to make him jealous with that hunky EMT last season. In the end, Michael tossed the relationship in her lap like a live grenade: He wants to get back in the game, and if Fi really cares about him, she will want that, too. Good thing Fi is a whiz with explosives.

ROYAL PAINS featured a number of familiar faces this week: Susan Misner (ex-Alison, GOSSIP GIRL; ex-Grace, ONE LIFE TO LIVE) as a pregnant woman who wanted to induce on a private island; David Alan Basche (ex-Kenny, THE STARTER WIFE; ex-Mike, LIPSTICK JUNGLE) as her tycoon husband; James Rebhorn (ex-Henry Lange, ATWT; ex-Bradley, GUIDING LIGHT) as the island handyman; and Jason Kravits (ex-Dr. Brody, AS THE WORLD TURNS; ex-DA Bey, THE PRACTICE) as a smarmy doctor at Harbor Heritage. Hank got a chance to MacGyver a splint for Will, saline solution and do blood-typing with a mirror. He also drilled into a guy’s head with a half-inch bit to relieve a hematoma! (The drilling was fine, but I did not need to see that compound fracture to his leg! Yikes! Still, even that was better than watching the pathetic “wedgie” competition on BIG BROTHER…

Originally published on SoapOperaWeekly.com