Soap Opera Weekly: 10/18/10

I understand that no self-respecting AS THE WORLD TURNS fan will ever watch its replacement, THE TALK, but just in case you felt any twinge of morbid curiosity, I watched it, so you don’t have to.

As the commercials hinted, THE TALK is a bald-faced, we’re-not-even-pretending-to-try-to-hide-it imitation of THE VIEW. If you’ve seen that, you’ve seen this. There’s a reason my colleague Mala dubbed this show THE RE-VIEW. Julie Chen, Holly Robinson Peete, Sara Gilbert, Leah Remini and Sharon Osbourne literally brought nothing new to the table as they strutted out, waving to the audience, and took their places at a…er, table.

The premiere THE TALK began like a reality show featuring the hosts and Julie narrating, as documentary-style footage replicated such BIG BROTHER tropes as seeing the set for the first time. Julie asserted that they all had instant chemistry, but that doesn’t translate on-air — hence, the need to inform the audience that they have chemistry.

Leah immediately put the audience on the spot by openly fretting that they would “hate” her. Throughout the show, she indulged in a lot of broad mugging. However, the most self-indulgent section consisted entirely of family members wishing the hosts good luck.

THE TALK is so mom-centric (constantly referring to each other as mothers, and Marissa Jaret Winokur as “mom on the street”) that it is in danger of shutting out women who have not given birth. As for any stray males who wander across the show: Just say no, dude… There’s nothing for you here. Heck, there’s barely anything of value for women. A segment addressing how to talk to your kids about sex was shockingly juvenile. The women giggled like 10-year-olds over the names of body parts, calling the clinical terms “disgusting” and favoring euphemisms like “cupcake.” (Seriously!) In all, the segment was an embarrassing disaster.

Julie wrapped with an imitation of THE VIEW’s entreaty to take time to enjoy the view by telling her viewers, “It’s always the right time to have The Talk.” (Say, isn’t “The Talk” a euphemism for telling your kids about sex? Talk about irony!) Sharon ended by promising, “Tomorrow, we’ll be different.” One can only hope.

Originally published on SoapOperaWeekly.com