TRUE BLOOD 5.9: “Everybody Wants to Rule the World”

Based on the total lameness on display and the alacrity with which the Dragon/Let’s Shoot Shifters plotline was dispatched, and the ifrit story dragging on longer than the occupation of Iraq, it’s clear that exec producer Alan Ball and his scribes are bored with their own show, so why should we watch?

The Dragon in charge of the yokels shootin’ up shifters turned out to not be former sheriff Bud Dearborn (played by the slumming William Sanderson, who deserves better), but… someone else, some tubby crazy lady whose sexual prowess apparently had Bud by the short-and-curlies to such a degree that he was convinced he was saving the world by wearing a rubber mask and shooting at puppies. Nobody in the viewing audience knows who she is or cares, so let’s get rid of her, forthwith. Enter St. Sookie (Anna Paquin) of the Mm-Mm-Good Blood, who was looking for more info on her dead parents, and she accidentally brings down the whole “Obamas” operation — which she knew nothing about.

Mercifully, that storyline was wrapped up this week along with the ifrit silliness when Terry murdered Patrick, just like the crazy dead Iraqi lady wanted. This whole storyline was a disaster, because an ifrit or even djinn could have been really cool had they been used with a little… y’know, imagination, instead of as window-dressing on a heavy-handed war-is-a-crime-against-humanity subplot.

Now that that’s over, we just need the werewolf politics to end. Like enduring an election year in the real work isn’t torture enough, amiright? Alcide (Joe Manganiello) needs to either kill JD or just walk away forever. This week he drove away, to look up his “lone wolf” daddy — who turned out to be the always-cool Robert Patrick. But then Alcide had to utter one of those sickening cliché lines you always hear — “I’m nothing like you” — which always ALWAYS means, “I’m exactly like you and I know it, but I can’t face it, so I’ll deny it.” Snooze.  Pass the silver bullets….

It’s not worth the effort to try to follow the triple-quadruple-double-secret lies going on at the Authority compound — suffice it to say that, as usual, Bill (Stephen Moyer) drank the Kool-Aid and betrayed everybody because somebody mentioned Sookie or turned into her, or whatever. So now he’s working for the Authority. Or Salome. Or just whomever Eric (Alexander Skarsgard) is against. I think it’s cute how Nora (Lucy Griffiths) went barefoot to look even more tiny next to “big bro” Eric.

Apparently Bill has Netflix and he rented Fight Club, because now he has the Authority embarking on its own Project: Mayhem (right down to the burning skyscraper), starting with destroying TruBlood distilleries so that vampires will be “forced” to feed on humans. I’m sure if this is what Lilith wants this episode, because everything about the Authority seems to change each week. Let’s say it is what Lilith wants.

I do hope we don’t have to wait all the way until the very last scene of the last episode and then have to act surprised by the “shocking reveal” that Bill ate Sookie’s parents. I mean, just think about it —next season writes itself! But let’s hope it does a better job than this season’s writers.

Oh, yeah? Sez you!

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