Soap Opera Weekly: Read at Joe’s 8/4/09

It’s such a shame that GUIDING LIGHT is going off the air next month. Then what will my colleague Mala and I trade IMs about at 10 o’clock in the morning?

Joe: I don’t care how bad the cell connection is, I don’t like Ed accidentally telling Alan about Phillip’s condition.
Mala: Oh, come on, what’s a little HIPAA violation between not-friends?
Joe: Did Dinah actually get married in that hat?
Mala: Yes, she did. And no one objected, even with due cause.
Joe: She looks like a villain the Flash would fight!
Mala: I think she looks like the starship Enterprise is on her head.
Joe: LOL. Was it a wedding or the Kentucky Derby? Wait…Dinah’s confession is nuts: There was somebody who looked exactly like Edmund and knew that a secretly adopted Bosnian baby was secretly the child of a woman killed in a mine field, who was secretly the daughter of Edmund?
Mala: Stranger things have happened in Springfield. Just ask Amish Reva. LOL. Now watch Matt strike out with Beth. At this rate, he should become a monk.
Joe: I love the “no cell phones” sign behind Ed. And if Bill and Lizzie are hot without A/C, they should go to the other side of town, where it always snows during remotes.
Mala: Why the heck is Frank just standing there, eavesdropping on Mallet and Dinah?
Joe: It’s called police work.
Mala: Can’t Dinah just run off with Mallet and Shayne and Henry while Marina just…goes away somewhere?
Joe: Marina may just give herself a stroke, the way she’s freaking out.
Mala: Any minute now, Dinah’s hat is going to take off into the skies, and Shayne will feel an urge to make a mashed-potato mountain.
Joe: LOL! And it’s good to see Bill and Lizzie’s house lacks a front door lock, just like every other place in town.
Mala: That’s the one thing they won’t actually add while fixing the house. Uh, Mallet, you only believe in Marina now because Dinah confessed. He and GH’s Sonny should start a Disingenuous Husbands club.
Joe: Heh, Dinah had to take off the hat when Shayne picked her up or she would have soared away like the Flying Nun!
Mala: But, wait, I thought Mary Poppins only left town when the wind changed…and Alan just told us Phillip’s 40!
Joe: After Sept. 18, there will be no more SORASing, so why not attach dates?
Mala: True. Except that that makes Shayne and Dinah incredibly creepy. As Dinah and Harley are the same age, and Harley babysat infant Shayne in 1990.
Joe: The Kamikaze GL we love would have her say something like, “I remember changing your diaper, and now we’re married.” Oh, look, it’s a leak at the Lewises. Somebody actually wants Matt now!
Mala: Only for his “contracting” skills. *wink, wink*
Joe: “When we say we want you to come over and ‘nail’ something, we mean with a hammer.”
Mala: Oh, man. I kind of want to bawl. And not at Matt’s love life.
Joe: Alan/Charlie? Yeah, that was touching.
Mala: More brilliant police work, with Frank admitting to Mallet he stood there eavesdropping on him for 10 minutes.
Joe: Frank should have said, “Dinah’s a flight risk. Especially in that hat!”
Mala: Oh, watch it, she’s about to go into orbit!

Originally published on

Oh, yeah? Sez you!

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